Just wanted to set down some thoughts that are getting me fired up.  I have followed a blog of a lady that started Weight Watchers in January 2008.  She posted her weight and started at 323 (three hundred twenty three) lbs.  She has a 10-year-old son, boy/girl twins that are 5 now and a baby boy that is 2 now.   Her goal was to lose 100 pounds, and she got down about 80+ pounds before she started rebounding.  Her weight is now up about 20 pounds from her lowest.  Of course this is sad, and from reading her blog you see she is a very typical SAHM that loves her family and is really putting out effort and struggling to lose this weight and would love to be free of it.  Well, she has several other blogs so I was checking them out today and she has a blog dedicated to WIC recipes and information.  She has received WIC for herself and all of her children and is currently getting it for only her baby, I think.  What has me dumbfounded is how in the world are the poor in our country able to reach 323 lbs and be considered eligible for nutritional supplementation?  I know this probably sounds like I'm beating up the lady, and I am not.  I am disgusted with the food system in America that has made a total mockery of nutrition and wellness.  How does this happen?  I saw a news program one time that was talking about how the poor are getting more and more obese and they made the point that if you lived in the projects and had $5 to spend at McDonald's, would you buy 5 double cheeseburgers or 1 salad?  (I know the poor ought to be growing their own garden, blah blah blah).  But really, if you were a mom with a few little kids and wanted to splurge and take your kids out, what choice would you make?   

 

We recently watched a documentary called "The Future of Food" and were astounded at what is happening in our food supply on the seed level.  It was mostly about genetically engineered seeds that can be patented.  If these patented seeds are found on a neighboring farmer's land (discovered through crop growth) the corporation that patented that seed can sue the farmer for copyright infringement!  Do you know how seeds move?  The wind, animals, falling off trucks, etc. And Joe Farmer is responsible for this?  The other thing that was insane is that these patented seeds have a "suicide" quality about them that causes them to produce impotent seeds in the crop they produce.  In other words, farmers cannot depend on collecting seeds from their harvest for replanting because those seeds won't produce new crop.  But have no fear, the corporation stands in the ready to sell more seeds to Joe Farmer year after year.  The other thing that is insane, and largely responsible for the above family's scenario in my opinion, is that farmers typically lose $1 per acre on corn production.  So you think there would be a shortage of corn farmers, right?  Nope because the US government subsidizes the production of corn and makes it a profitable crop.  So we have an abundance of corn to stuff into ALL kinds of processed foods and produce High Fructose Corn Syrup that is prevalent in most processed foods.  From an article on the subject, "Almost all nutritionists finger high fructose corn syrup consumption as a major culprit in the nation's obesity crisis. The inexpensive sweetener flooded the American food supply in the early 1980s, just about the time the nation's obesity rate started its unprecedented climb."

 

So our tax dollars are subsidizing the garbage that makes us obese, and by some strange twist of logic our poor are capable of reaching 300+ pounds.  I've loved to read about nutrition since my first year of college when I took a course in it for an elective.  And I've known about corn subsidies and processed foods and the damage that is caused the separation of people from their food sources, but this woman's sad story has just made it very real to me today.  The entire system is terribly flawed.  Another sad thing is that our children can be obese, and still malnourished from a lack of vitamins, minerals, complex carbohydrates and lean protein.  Obese, yet starving on a cellular level.  Isn't that wild?  A lot to think about. 

I wanted to share some of my notes from the conference Aaron and I went to this week.  First of all, we didn't know if we were even going to go until a couple hours before the plane flight.  Elijah started the stomach flu in our house last Thursday, the girls got it over the weekend, then I felt pretty weird all day Tuesday, the day we left, but tried hard to stay in denial.  We ended up getting on our flight at 5:30, flying to Chicago and finding our hotel.  Neither of us was very hungry, but went to dinner anyways, still in denial.  Halfway through dinner Aaron got an "uh oh" look in his face and we hurried back to our room.  We were there maybe half an hour or so and he started throwing up.  He threw up until 4:30 in the morning.  I was so nauseated and just held still as good as I could so I wouldn't throw up.  We thought we would be spending the conference day in our hotel room being sick.  But at 7:15 we woke up and decided to give it a go.  I'm sure the people at the conference would just love to know that, but we didn't shake hands or anything.  We just stayed huddled in the back of the theater listening.  The theater was just gorgeous!  This is a link to pictures of the interior.  http://www.paramountarts.com/aboutphotos.php

 

The premise of the conference is that stories and storytelling engage people in a way that a list of facts will never have the power to do.  And that as "stewards of the gospel" our job is to tell the greatest story - mans fall, God's love and plan of redemption through Jesus - in the most engaging and creative ways possible.  Donald Miller described it as the difference between noise and music.  Noise - traffic, crying kids, clanking objects - can be heard, but doesn't stick in your head the way a musical tune can.  So when someone tries to communicate the gospel as a list of precepts that someone should give mental assent to, you end up with a sterile contract and not a heart covenant.

 

Ed Young was the first speaker, and probably my least favorite.  His talk was kind of gimmicky with a lot of rhyming that just came off cheesy to me.  But he did talk about the Bible being a rescue story, and Jesus is the lifesaver that should be thrown to those around us that are drowning.  We have to keep our connection to the Father through the rope and use this to pull them into the boat, or the church.  He said the church should be a rescue society, but has turned into a yacht club.  One thing that he said that did resonate with me is that no one drowns in shallow water.  It's the deep things of life that pull us down and we must be willing to go there with others to be effective.

 

The next speaker was Dave Gibbons and he was fantastic.  He talked about the "Theology of Pain and Discomfort" and how it is much more effective to preach from a platform of pain and not strength or size.  He said our ministries should be less concerned with rising numbers (attendance & tithing) and more concerned with DECLINING numbers - less homeless, less hungry, less orphans in our city.  He gave a personal testimony of his father being unfaithful to his mother and the deep, deep pain that caused him as a teenager.  He said he went years without speaking to his dad, but as a college student he chose to forgive his dad and actually went to him and repented for his own anger and bitterness.  As he gave his testimony, the story was powerful, much more powerful than if he said he never had those dark times.  He talked on Isaiah 6, the call for someone to go and tell and the response "Lord send me" and how that's usually used for missions, but the next scriptures talk about how Israel isn't going to listen and isn't' going to be saved.  Kind of depressing, but he said the Lord sometimes has to cut us down to just a stump to allow us to grow again.  He said that the revelation of your brokenness, and the confession of our sin and repentance unleashes the Holy Spirit.

 

Chris Seay was next and he was awesome!  He was so funny too.  My favorite part was when he said if you are the kind of believer that studies the Bible just to have ammunition for debate and to argue with people that "no one likes you.  Your mother hopes you won't even come home for Christmas."  LOL  It was so funny.  He told stories too about his family and had an Aunt that they all called "Aunt Sister" and he had no idea why.  He talked a lot about propositions not being able to save you, but a good story will invite a person in and produce inquiry in their heart.  He also talked about Jesus' statement to take on His yoke to find rest.  He said that this doesn't mean a life of ease, but when you find the yoke that fits, you become alive and energized.  So many people are exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually because they have an unnatural yoke that they bow to every day.  We were made for His yoke.  One other note I have written down, not sure how it fits, but he said about creation, "God smiled and the light broke."

 

John Ortberg spoke for a little while after lunch and was saying that we try to take the Bible and use it to make our dreams come true, but we should instead be endeavoring to make our lives part of God's dream for humanity.  He gave the definition of Shalom - where things are the way they are supposed to be - and that is God's dream for the world.  We also heard him speak during the lunch break and he talked about spiritual development after initial salvation.  He said that most people agree that grace is the only way to span the chasm between man and God, but somehow we think that human effort can span the chasm between who we are today and who God wants us to be fully matured in Christ.  I thought that was very interesting.  He said if grace is what connected you back to God, why wouldn't grace be what causes you to grow in Him? 

 

Nancy Peach spoke next.  She talked about telling the truth of the Gospel as a Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale.  She said we have to paint the stark reality of God's absence before we can experience the joy of His presence.  Grace isn't that wonderful if you don't address the pain of fallen humanity.  She also said that the mark of a good fairy tale is "the turn" that it makes just when things look most hopeless.  She said that making stories seem more fabulous only drives the point deeper in our understanding, and that stories should awaken our faith in God, not man.  She also said something I just loved, that when a story moves you to tears, that is the deepest intuition of the truth. 

 

Stacey Spencer was next and he walked out singing "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long." He had a lot of soul and how the room shouting and praising at the end of his talk.  He was funny too and said how Jesus was such a master storyteller that he would draw you into a story without realizing you were the "bad guy" of it until the end.  The Pharisees would be hanging on His words and they want to stone Him because He was wasting them with His story.  Movies were called high budget parables, I just loved that!  He also said that we have to invite people into the story and end with redemption.  He said whatever your particular circumstances are, your story is ALWAYS to ultimately praise the Savior, all the day long.

 

That was the last speaker I took notes on.  I was getting pretty tired and not feeling well.  Donald Miller was last, and of course I totally enjoyed it.  He is coming to Nashville on November 20th.  He said that the principles for a great story are totally applicable to real life.  A great story is basically a character that wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.  He said that the reason we live meaningless lives usually lies in not wanting something valuable enough.  When we waste our lives pursuing material things, we just end up frustrated because they never deliver.  And if we aim too low and never pursue anything that requires much conflict, we end up bored.  He also gave a funny take on the apostles and said can you imagine Paul giving a testimonial on an infomercial for Jesus?  He could say that he once had a highly respected position, material wealth, etc. and became a follower of Jesus and was blind for a few days, lost everything, repeatedly thrown in prison, beaten, etc.  And all this can be yours too ...     He debunked the idea that we have a Jesus-shaped hole in our hearts that we try to fill with worldly pursuits, but if we just fill it with Jesus, we'll finally be satisfied.  He said we won't be satisfied until we're in His presence, and to not be discouraged if your longings continue in your walk with Christ.  We aren't supposed to be content until the end of the redemption story, when we are united again with the Lover of our souls.

 

Wanted to add a PS.  When we got back to the hotel that night we turned on the live streaming of church.  It was such a sweet service of people testifying to God's love in their lives.  When Bro. Steve started singing "This is my story, this is my song ..." Aaron and I just stopped and stared at each other and laughed.  That was the first song we heard when we entered the conference, it was sung throughout the day, and it ended the evening via internet.  That is so cool to me!  I also wanted to add something that meant so much to me the Sunday before last.  Bro. Steve said that faith is nothing more than trusting that God is able, and powerful to keep the promises He has made.  I thought that was just beautiful because I've always thought faith was about me and how much I lacked it.  But honestly, it is so comforting to know that my ultimate salvation is not in my hands, but the one that proved His trustworthiness when He sent His Son to die for me.  The moment I knew I was supposed to marry Aaron was when he demonstrated to me that I could trust him because he chose what was right over what was comfortable to him.  He showed me how unselfish he was, even at 19 years old, and I knew he was trustworthy.  And the Lord has proven how unselfish He is by creating and carrying out this amazing rescue story.

I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging without it having to be such a production.  Facebook status updates are usually sufficient to get across what I'm feeling on a particular day, and I'm not so sure that's a good thing.  When a few lines spat out on a status is preferable to the writing out a blog, I may have commitment issues.    Anyway, this has been rolling around in my head for a while. 

 

Aaron bought me "The Prayer of Jabez for Women" a few years ago.  I remember having heard about it, kind of like a fad.  It seemed this prayer was being used to invoke God's blessing on people's business, wombs, and whatever else they needed a good-luck charm for.  And so it kind of turned me off.  But I'm glad I took the time to actually read the book because I did feel enlightened on one of God's principles regarding prayer.  I like the text best in the NKJV -

 

"Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested."  I Chronicles 4:9-10

 

Prayer is something I continue to struggle with because I don't entirely understand my influence on God's actions.  I see Him as sovereign, and pretty much capable of doing His will whether or not I request Him to.  Isn't it just common sense that God is going to do His will?  Who else's will is He going to carry out?  But I can see that prayer is my invitation to the Lord to work in my life.  That's one thing about Him, He will not force Himself where He isn't wanted.  So the fact that God grants the request of Jabez is very interesting to me.  My question is why?  Why did God feel moved to enlarge his territory, bless him and keep him from evil?  I think the key is the next line, "that I may not cause pain!"  The name "Jabez" literally means "He Will Cause Pain."  What an identity.  That's like your mom naming you Hurt or Wound or something like that.  Jabez knew this and he cried out for the Lord to not allow him to cause pain to those around him.  He wasn't asking for God's blessing to gratify himself, or even to be able to give more generously.  I think Jabez was being proactive by asking for God's blessing so that he wouldn't be a burden to anyone. 

 

I think these thoughts have been at the front of my mind because of the call on my life as a disciple of Christ to be a blessing to the world around me.  I think of Jesus saying in John 3:17 "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved."  When I've been around people who are separated from God, it is usually pretty obvious they don't need my condemnation to feel the weight of their sin.  The fruit of constantly living for your self and your gratification is so painfully empty.  So no, my goal and aim in life is not to raise up a standard of holiness to judge the world.   I KNOW God is quite capable of that without my help.  If anything, I would endeavor to be a light in darkness, or a lifting of someones' burden; and I would be very content if another person's journey was a little lighter for having known me.  I'm not saying this is my testimony so far, but it is my aim.

I feel the need to explain my attachment to Donald Miller in a way that doesn't make my husband nervous.   

 

I've been thinking a lot about the woman at the well and the rich young ruler.  These stories are intriguing to me because they aren't just parables used to illustrate a principle of truth, but they were real people with real problems whose encounters with Jesus demonstrated the reality of truth.  To me, they are the same story with different endings, a total choose-your-own adventure.  With the woman at the well, Jesus basically calls her a slut (five husbands and living with the sixth man), and a few verses later she's full of joy and running to her people to tell them the Messiah has arrived.  How did she get from point A to point B?  It's almost funny if you think about it because most people would be insulted, humiliated and wanting to forget the whole incident as fast as they could.  But this woman let the truth burn right through her situation and refine it and produce something so valuable in her at the moment AND give her hope for her future.  Jesus put His finger right on the one thing she was using to cope in her life - warped versions of intimacy - to expose to her just how broken and needy she was, then gave her something better in Himself.  At one point she says, "He told me everything I ever did!"  Really, I thought He was just pointing out you've slept with a lot of guys?  But He isn't condemning her, He's offering a mirror to show her that she's been using sexual relationships to give herself an identity, make herself feel valuable and that her life means something.  Jesus tells her she doesn't have to live like that anymore, that He will quench the thirst of her soul that longs for meaning and self-worth.  I've noticed that people today are very talented at pointing out other people's faults.  It's very satisfying to judge other people and diagnose everything wrong with them, tell them where they are lacking.  But it seems Jesus never did that without purpose.  Any light He shed on others was to expose a lie they'd been telling themselves and more importantly, offer a more satisfying way.

 

On the other hand, the rich young ruler seemed to have everything, especially a clean record.  But he was longing too, just like the woman, or he wouldn't have approached Jesus in the first place.  So Jesus did what He does so well.  He put His finger right on the thing the young man was using to cope in this life - his money - and asked him to surrender it.  I think it was too much to ask because, come on, the section in the scriptures even has the title "The Rich Young Ruler" so I'm thinking that's how the guy was known, it was his identity.  If he didn't have his money, he didn't have anything.  The guy walks away full of sorrow because he isn't willing to let go of his wealthy identity.  He sees the choice Jesus offers and chooses the security of his money, his reputation and a standard of worth that is easily recognized.  He chose his own renown instead of being associated with Jesus and His reputation.  But the man walked away with his head hung low because he must know deep in his bones that he is spiritually going to keep on eating ashes instead of bread.  Sure he had all the money to feed his body, but not enough to satisfy the longing of his soul.

 

Back to Donald Miller.  His book "Searching For God Knows What" was my moment at the well, though not for the same reasons.  It revealed so much about my heart and how desperately I longed for an identity, that I can mark that particular book as providing tremendous light on my heart.  It showed me that everything I do to achieve other people's approval is just a desperate attempt to have value in this life.  The mentality that I have to justify myself and be right on any number of subjects - child rearing, education, clothing, music, politics, etc. - is not what gives me worth or makes my life meaningful.  It showed how fruitless the pursuit of winning man's favor is because it always leaves you empty.  But like Jesus, it didn't just point out what was wrong with me.  The book portrayed God and Jesus as the masterminds of a genius plan to fill my all longings.  And it showed primarily that the fulfillment of my longings are in relationships.  And not just earthly relationships with my husband, children, friends and family; I believe He created those beautiful things for us as a reflection of all the fulfillment in relationship with Himself.  My primary identity is defined in terms of relationship to the Lord - Daughter, Sister, Betrothed, and praise God, nothing anyone can say about me has any power over that identity!  Only my choice to continue in relationship with Jesus, or to turn back to some impostor to try and cope in this life.   

 

Here's a few quotes from the book that sum up what exploded in my head and spirit:

 

"I was very concerned with getting other people to say I was good or valuable or important because the thing that was supposed to make me feel this way was gone.  ... I realized Christian spirituality fit my soul like a key.  It was quite beautiful, to be honest with you. ... The God of the Bible seemed to be brokenhearted over the separation in our relationship and downright obsessed with mending the tear.  .... What if what we really want in life is relational?"

 

I know it may seem strange that I point to a book I read in my early thirties as something I say transformed my perspective more than anything.  I'm probably just being dramatic.    Of course I've heard these ideas presented since I was a child.  One of my earliest memories is being 4 years old and my mom telling me I was a Princess (identity) because I was a Child of the King (relationship).  So when I say this was a giant "Aha!" moment I do not mean to shed negative light on anything prior to this.  I think the book just crystallized so many of the ideas and images I had floating around in my mind.  It showed me how much fear I had operated in, mostly that God would be angry with me and not let me "in".  Maybe I was just ripe for detox from that mentality and that's why it had such an impact.

 

I just love God's truth because it makes me feel so loved and settled and at home.  Not at home in my sin, but a confidence that I am loved and valuable because He says I am.  It's something I can rest in, instead of constantly feeling threatened that I'll be found unworthy by a jury of my peers.  And it comes down to what I'm spiritually eating and drinking, and how I hungry I am for Him ~ Proverbs 27:7 "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."  I don't want to be so full of false bread that I have no appetite for the Word of God, or so full of myself that I no longer thirst for His Spirit.  Maybe the difference between the woman at the well and the rich young ruler was that in this life, she was much needier of a Savior than he was.

 

 

My mom and I took the kids to see a puppet show of Cinderella at the Nashville Library yesterday.  It was so good, almost like a mini-musical.  The puppets were the old-fashioned kind on strings, marionettes.  They were a little creepy, but not too bad.  The evil Step-Mother kind of got to Emily and she buried her face in my shoulder for a while and asked to go home, but then the disco ball threw light all around the room and she got really excited.  This was when the Fairy Godmother was doing her magic and Emily told Elijah, "Look, it's on you!" because the lights were shining on his legs.  The audio was pre-recorded and the girl singing for Cinderella had a beautiful voice.  Like any good story, it had echos of God's story in it.  The thing that hit me first was when Cinderella was singing to her parents.  They are dead and she is singing up to the sky asking, "Father, do you see me?  Mother, do you know what's become of me?"  It was all I could do to hold back the tears.  It reminded me of Lamentations 1:9 which says, "Her filthiness clung to her skirts; she did not consider her future. Her fall was astounding; there was none to comfort her. "Look, O LORD, on my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed."  Sometimes we just need someone to acknowledge our state of frustration/desperation/pain.  It's actually a pretty deep longing when you're hurting for someone to just SEE you. 

 

Then of course the slavery theme is strong in this story.  Both step-sisters are fighting over who gets Cinderella's help first and shouting, "She's mine!  No, she's mine!"  Then the Step-Mother comes in and tells all three girls to never forget that Cinderella belongs to her.  One thing I noticed was how the immature sisters were shouting and clamouring over her, but the step-mother was quieter, deeper, and much more authoritative.  I thought of sin and strongholds and how when you are young and immature, they are loud, crazy and wild.  But look at a person that's followed the road of selfishness for a lifetime, and the hold on them is deep, controlled and ominous.  Slavery doesn't stand still, over time it grows deeper into your core when you give it command over your life. 

 

Enter the Fairy Godmother.  She was childlike as well, but not in an immature, possessive way.  Her heart was to bless Cinderella and facilitate her dreams coming true.  She kept assuring Cinderella that she would make it to the ball, but when Cinderella pointed out all the obstacles, the Fairy Godmother would give her some small task that was within Cinderella's grasp and ask her, "Can you do that?"  To which she responded, "Yes, I can do that."  Isn't that just like the Lord?  I know my heart and I've had a line from a Toad the Wet Sprocket song running through my head the last few months that sums it up.  It says, "It's hard to rely on my good intentions, when my head's full of things that I can't mention."    Anyway, I see the glorious promise in God's word that I am destined to be Christ's Bride.  Then I look at the state of my heart and think, "Um, yeah right."  But then the Lord prompts me with some small way that I can be more like Him and walk a little closer to His ways, and I think yeah, I can do that.  I hate to even type that because I know how un-Christlike I am, and that if my kids had to pick my role in the story it would most likely be the Step-Mother.  But what is life without hope?  The story of Cinderella taps into the longing to rise up out of whatever your particular bondage is and be transformed into something beautiful and worthy of the Prince.  I also noticed at the end of the story when the Step-Mother tries to keep Cinderella hidden from the Prince, she has lost her grip on Cinderella.  Cinderella isn't afraid and cowering anymore, and in fact she is pretty oblivious to the orders coming from the Step-Mother.  Wonder why?  "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear ..."  1 John 4:18  I think that's beautiful and I just love how God weaves His story all around us.

I wrote this a while back and never hit publish. ????

 

I'm finding new zeal for my favorite past time, reading fiction.  I read "Twilight" on the way home from Destin mostly because I wanted to know what all the buzz was about.  It was a good read, a little bit predictable, but that's what you're looking for on a 9 hour drive home.  When I got home I picked up "The Longing" by Beverly Lewis.  She writes books about the Amish community in Pennsylvania, but always with a bent towards the people having their eyes open to true salvation in Jesus.  I didn't know this, but the Amish think it is terribly presumptuous to say that you are saved, but that you just try to do the best you can, follow the traditions of the Old Ways, and when you die you will find out if you "made it" to heaven or hell.  Hmmmm, sounds vaguely familiar.  But the book I was reading was the story of a non-Amish boy starting to fall in love with an Amish girl.  I'm only part-way through it, but I was thinking how when you compare it to "Twilight", IT'S THE SAME STORY in a very broad sense.  Two people from two different worlds falling in love.  There's all these obstacles in the way, but somehow, someway, they find a way to be together.  What gets them over the obstacles?  Falling in love.  Why do you think this theme comes up over and over?  Beauty and The Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Aladdin, etc.  (Man I need to branch out from Disney!)  All these stories are about two people from different worlds drawn to one another and going through some struggle to unite.  As a disclaimer, I in no way think that the writers consciously and intentially set out to tell God's story.  But it just seems to happen that love stories grab us when they promise that the strong, beautiful, and powerful one can be happy when he or she falls for the ordinary, frail, hideous, or common one.  And the lowly one is redeemed from his/her state to a place of unimaginable joy.  I could not be further removed from God in my natural state.  He could not have fellowship with me because of who He is and who I am.  But because of His unending love for mankind, He found a way to span the chasm on Calvary.  The personality of the stories are different, but the longing for a love to redeem me isn't.   It made me think of this song ~

 

"Beggar Who Gives Alms"

by Downhere

 

There are no mystic jewels
embedded in my prose
No moonlit haloed cherubs
perched on my piano
No lyrics laced with pixie dust,
no angels sing along
I am just a beggar who gives alms

Gold and silver have I none,
but such I have give Thee
Borrowed words from the One
who gave the gift to me
The pearl that I could never buy,
this life, this dream, this song
And I am just a beggar
who gives alms

I am not the creator,
but a scribe with a pen
I'm recreating visions through a
cracked and broken lens
Only One has ever seen
the home for which we long
And I am just a beggar
who gives alms

I'm just going to set some thoughts down before they escape me.   Today was a really good day.  On the way to church we were listening to a Hillsongs song that was based on the 23rd Psalm.  It said over and over ~

 

Though I walk through valleys low
I'll fear no evil
By the waters still my soul,
My heart will trust in You

 

I closed my eyes and just thought of the confidence we have in the Lord, that no matter what the low valley I'm walking through, I have no need to fear, because my trust is in Him, not my circumstances.  Yes, the dark times come, but I'm not defined by them.  There's really no need for me to fear, and that's saying a lot for me because fear is my middle name most of the time.  I also thought about the line, "By the waters still my soul" and usually I would think of that in the context of "next to" the waters my soul is stilled, or made peaceful.  But today I thought that it is BECAUSE of the water, my soul is stilled.  The water of His spirit washing over me will bring calm and stillness to me frazzled heart.  I was blessed just by those thoughts, then we came into service and the first thing Bro. Steve says is the 23rd Psalm!  I thought that was pretty cool.  Then the band song started and it was "Blessed Assurance".  I also thought that was cool because I knew the Lord was telling me to trust in Him.

Yesterday was Lydia's last day of Kindergarten at Woodall Elementary.  It is bittersweet because I am so proud of her and all that she's accomplished, but I'm sad that another milestone has passed in her little life.  Oh for them to stay little!  I never thought I'd say that because having little kids has been one of the most challenging things I've ever experienced.  But it's like any worthwhile endeavor, you keep your head down working hard day in and day out, and one day you look up recognize the beautiful fruit of what you've invested yourself in.  By no means are my kids perfect, but I am so very blessed to be their mommy.  Lydia is like a burst of energy and joy that just lights up our family.  Then there's not one, but two beautiful shadows following her around.  Elijah's sense of humor catches me off guard and cracks me up!  And Emily's approach to things is so practical and confident, I just love it!  My kids make me feel joy, love, responsibility, exhaustion, peace, purpose, fear, frustration and hope like nothing I've ever known before them.  I distinctly remember coming home from the hospital with Lydia and thinking about Jesus dying on the cross for my daughter, and loving Him on such a new level because He actually did what I would be willing to do in a heartbeat.

 

One of the things I lack so much of is focus.  There are so many responsibilities to take care of, and distractions that entice me to waste time as well.  And I just get plain overwhelmed with the job of shaping these children into healthy, whole adults.  How does that happen?  Yes, I know I over-think things, but that's just me, I can't change who I am.  For a while now I've been thinking on Mark 12:30 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" and how it is a road map of sorts to wholeness.  We won't be whole unless we fully engage and develop our emotions, worship, intellect and physical bodies.  It seems most people have an area where they excel and often let the other areas wither a little, or a lot.  My prayer and aim is to love God in these four areas to the best of my individual ability, and to provide opportunities for my kids to develop them as well. 

 

For where we are right now, Woodall was the best way for us to meet the need of Lydia's education.  But I no more think Woodall is responsible for her education than I think Kroger is responsible for feeding her, or CGT is responsible for discipling her.  As her parents, that is 100% my and Aaron's responsibility.  But I also know from my experience that I am far, FAR from sufficient to meet every need in this job, and I am so done with trying to do it all.  I'm very thankful for our experience so far with public school.  I hasn't been utopia, but it has met the needs in a positive way.  I know this world is going away from God, and that public education has many agendas that are contrary to my goals.  But there was a lot of evidence that in this particular school, in her particular class, He is still very much acknowledged.  There was prayer at the PTO meeting we attended, and they closed the prayer "in Jesus' name."  Mrs. Kimberly told us at "meet the teacher night" that her three priorities were "her faith, her family and her job."  And this is part of what she wrote in Lydia's yearbook, "What I love most about you is your heart.  I see God's love in your heart even at this young age ..."  I was so blessed to read that.  My ultimate purpose in life is to glorify the Lord in all I do, so I am so thankful that His love was seen in Lydia.  I am just so grateful to the Lord today for my kids and this awesome experience of being a mom.   

Got to sneak a blog into April before it's over!  **Breaking News**  Parenting is hard.  No duh, right?  But it really is.  I remember when Lydia and Caleb were born (less than a month apart) and I was struggling with the enormous change in my life and Marcia saying to just wait, this was nothing compared to the emotional toll on you when you are teaching them right and wrong and all the other lessons in developing character.  It struck fear in me because I believed her then, and I REALLY believe her now.  We are very blessed parents.  Lydia is one of those compliant kids that will change her behavior with one look from me or Aaron.  The twins are a different story.  Emily is currently in a very happy stage and will obey fairly quickly, but still has her tantrums.  Elijah is a different story right now.  He is the unending fountain of whine!!!  He has developed a ghastly habit of high-pitched whining and crying when he doesn't get what he wants.  At first it surprised me because really, how does the logic work that if I don't get what I want, I will make myself even less appealing by crying, whining and throwing a fit?  Like I'm going to say, "Oh Elijah, thank you for making my ears ring, now I would just love to give you another piece of candy and let you play on the computer and run into the street!  I see your request in such a different light!  Thank you son!"  So I'm struggling with having a right response to him being 3 and human, yet knowing if I do nothing, he will still be doing this but louder at 13.  I totally feel the challenge rise up in me when this happens that in no way is he actually going to GET what he is whining about, but how do I get him to stop?  I really am hoping consistency will win the battle and eventually he'll get tired of it when it doesn't work. 

 

This has made me examine my motives in dealing with my kids' behavior.  It is so true that most often the things that get a response from me are the things that irritate or inconvenience me, rather than real opportunities to mold their character.  That is embarrassing to admit.  But I saw how ugly this can be a few weeks ago.  I was at the gym on the treadmill and there was a lady next to me and a man next to her that she knew.  They were chit-chatting about their families, work, etc.  Her daughter, maybe 4 years old, kept coming up to the treadmill to talk to her mom, asking for a drink, candy, etc.  The tone that this mom used with her daughter was so harsh and cruel it made me want to cry.  Here's this beautiful little girl, totally bored at the gym just trying to talk to her mom, and the mother's response was that of total disgust that she was bothering her.  The change in tone when she started talking to the man again was so marked that it would have been comical if it wasn't so disturbing.  She went from anger that the girl dared to ask for a drink, to kind and interested in what an acquaintance was saying to her.  It made me a little ill, but also caused me to examine my reactions with my kids.  I know they are little heathens bent on usurping my authority, but do they really need a harsh rebuke for not walking straight into their rooms and putting their shoes away when a toy catches their eye on the way there?  Does it really warrant me overreacting and shouting at them to obey what I told them to do?  I want to have more patience with my kids.  I want to keep the right perspective on all this.  I want to treat them as I like to be treated when I need correction.  And of course, the sadness around us has made me rethink a lot of this too.  If I was the mother of that little boy with brain cancer, would it really be worth it to demand perfect obedience every time I speak a request to him?  And if I was the mother of that little girl with leukemia, wouldn't I be praying for a lifetime of requests for another drink of water?  I have no intentions of letting my kids grow up without training, discipline and obedience, but I want to practice loving correction and not an indulgence for my frustrations.  Anyway, this is my world right now, and hopefully explains my furrowed brow and worn out looks on my face.   

I absolutely love to read.  I have since I was about 8 years old.  My mom used to buy me The Bobbsy Twins mystery books.  It was about a family with two sets of boy-girl twins that solved mysteries.  Bert and Nan are the older twins, and Flossie and Freddie are the younger set.  Hmmm, maybe I won't attempt another pregnancy.    And I never really stopped reading and even today it's my favorite thing to do to relax.  I love hearing other people's stories.  When I was 16 my parents took me to see Les Miserables on stage.  I loved it so much they took me again.  I had the double CD and knew every word of both of them.  Cliff Clavin Voice - you know, every word of Les Miserables is sung, not one word is spoken.  This is different from other musicals in that most dialogue is spoken, then the characters break into song from time to time.  LOL!  Anyway, my favorite character was Eponine.  She is a poor beggar girl that lives in the streets and falls in love with one of the college students that is planning a revolution against the French government, but he's in love with another.  She isn't the heroine really, and she dies in the middle of the play.  But her song "On My Own" is probably my very favorite.  She sings about how lonely she is, but that at night she pretends he's with her and that he loves her.  The melody is so beautiful.  The thing I keep thinking about is how at different times throughout the play, when her character is important to a scene, the orchestra plays a little bit of this song.  The song identifies her character. 

 

I saw this in Neal's work Testimony.  I can't remember which exact song it's from because I haven't listened to the whole thing in a long time, but I think it is "I am Willing" or "Oh to Feel Him" that has a melody that has been hinted at earlier in the CD when Neal is starting to believe, or considering maybe the Lord is real, and the answer for his "Wasted Life".  I got so excited about this a few weeks ago that I called Neal and Cherie and asked him what is it called when composers use a specific theme to identify a character or an idea?  He kindly said, "um yeah, it's thematic technique.  Writers have been using it forever."  Oh.  But what had me so excited was that morning I had been reading about Abraham taking Isaac up to the mountain to sacrifice him, but God sending a ram.  I felt like I was listening to a familiar melody.  There was a hinting, a foreshadowing of Jesus taking my place on the cross.  All through the Old Testament there are prophecies pointing towards Jesus.  All these beautiful themes and melodies woven throughout the word.  Then Jesus comes, and he intertwines all those snippets of music into one big, beautiful song.  His death for me and His resurrection and promise of life for humanity comes to its fullness in Him.  It's so beautiful.

 

At the first of the year Sis. Wilma gave her testimony about the terrible car accident she was in, I think about 50 years ago.  I was moved by how when she spoke about the extremely broken condition her body was in and then the healing she received, she wept just like it had happened yesterday.  That experience of being physically restored can never be taken away from her.  She LIVED the truth of Jesus taking broken pieces and restoring them into a fully functional person.  I could hear the music as she spoke.  Beautiful truth of God restoring us from our shattered condition.  That's why we share our testimonies.  Our stories are part of His song, and some day they'll all be played together to make the most beautiful masterpiece ever, when we are back in perfect communion with God.  That's why I love to read, I love to look for pieces of the song.  It makes me feel like Luke 24:31-32 "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.  They asked each other, 'Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?'"  I want my eyes and ears open to everything He is saying.  I want to hear the music. 

 

This may have come off as kind of melodramatic, and I just want to say I am totally insecure about that.  But I need something to burn within my soul.  I'm tired of being angry and hurt and broken.  I'm tired of debating non-essentials and blaming and diagnosing other people's problems.  I want to remember why I chose Jesus.  I want to remember that He makes something beautiful out of all of our confusion, brokenness and strife.

 

Something Beautiful by Bill Gaither

 

Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion He understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife
But he made something beautiful of my life

If there ever were dreams
That were lofty and noble
They were my dreams at the start
And hope for life's best were the hopes
That I harbor down deep in my heart
But my dreams turned to ashes
And my castles all crumbled, my fortune turned to loss
So I wrapped it all in the rags of life
And laid it at the cross.