I feel the need to explain my attachment to Donald Miller in a way that doesn't make my husband nervous.   

 

I've been thinking a lot about the woman at the well and the rich young ruler.  These stories are intriguing to me because they aren't just parables used to illustrate a principle of truth, but they were real people with real problems whose encounters with Jesus demonstrated the reality of truth.  To me, they are the same story with different endings, a total choose-your-own adventure.  With the woman at the well, Jesus basically calls her a slut (five husbands and living with the sixth man), and a few verses later she's full of joy and running to her people to tell them the Messiah has arrived.  How did she get from point A to point B?  It's almost funny if you think about it because most people would be insulted, humiliated and wanting to forget the whole incident as fast as they could.  But this woman let the truth burn right through her situation and refine it and produce something so valuable in her at the moment AND give her hope for her future.  Jesus put His finger right on the one thing she was using to cope in her life - warped versions of intimacy - to expose to her just how broken and needy she was, then gave her something better in Himself.  At one point she says, "He told me everything I ever did!"  Really, I thought He was just pointing out you've slept with a lot of guys?  But He isn't condemning her, He's offering a mirror to show her that she's been using sexual relationships to give herself an identity, make herself feel valuable and that her life means something.  Jesus tells her she doesn't have to live like that anymore, that He will quench the thirst of her soul that longs for meaning and self-worth.  I've noticed that people today are very talented at pointing out other people's faults.  It's very satisfying to judge other people and diagnose everything wrong with them, tell them where they are lacking.  But it seems Jesus never did that without purpose.  Any light He shed on others was to expose a lie they'd been telling themselves and more importantly, offer a more satisfying way.

 

On the other hand, the rich young ruler seemed to have everything, especially a clean record.  But he was longing too, just like the woman, or he wouldn't have approached Jesus in the first place.  So Jesus did what He does so well.  He put His finger right on the thing the young man was using to cope in this life - his money - and asked him to surrender it.  I think it was too much to ask because, come on, the section in the scriptures even has the title "The Rich Young Ruler" so I'm thinking that's how the guy was known, it was his identity.  If he didn't have his money, he didn't have anything.  The guy walks away full of sorrow because he isn't willing to let go of his wealthy identity.  He sees the choice Jesus offers and chooses the security of his money, his reputation and a standard of worth that is easily recognized.  He chose his own renown instead of being associated with Jesus and His reputation.  But the man walked away with his head hung low because he must know deep in his bones that he is spiritually going to keep on eating ashes instead of bread.  Sure he had all the money to feed his body, but not enough to satisfy the longing of his soul.

 

Back to Donald Miller.  His book "Searching For God Knows What" was my moment at the well, though not for the same reasons.  It revealed so much about my heart and how desperately I longed for an identity, that I can mark that particular book as providing tremendous light on my heart.  It showed me that everything I do to achieve other people's approval is just a desperate attempt to have value in this life.  The mentality that I have to justify myself and be right on any number of subjects - child rearing, education, clothing, music, politics, etc. - is not what gives me worth or makes my life meaningful.  It showed how fruitless the pursuit of winning man's favor is because it always leaves you empty.  But like Jesus, it didn't just point out what was wrong with me.  The book portrayed God and Jesus as the masterminds of a genius plan to fill my all longings.  And it showed primarily that the fulfillment of my longings are in relationships.  And not just earthly relationships with my husband, children, friends and family; I believe He created those beautiful things for us as a reflection of all the fulfillment in relationship with Himself.  My primary identity is defined in terms of relationship to the Lord - Daughter, Sister, Betrothed, and praise God, nothing anyone can say about me has any power over that identity!  Only my choice to continue in relationship with Jesus, or to turn back to some impostor to try and cope in this life.   

 

Here's a few quotes from the book that sum up what exploded in my head and spirit:

 

"I was very concerned with getting other people to say I was good or valuable or important because the thing that was supposed to make me feel this way was gone.  ... I realized Christian spirituality fit my soul like a key.  It was quite beautiful, to be honest with you. ... The God of the Bible seemed to be brokenhearted over the separation in our relationship and downright obsessed with mending the tear.  .... What if what we really want in life is relational?"

 

I know it may seem strange that I point to a book I read in my early thirties as something I say transformed my perspective more than anything.  I'm probably just being dramatic.    Of course I've heard these ideas presented since I was a child.  One of my earliest memories is being 4 years old and my mom telling me I was a Princess (identity) because I was a Child of the King (relationship).  So when I say this was a giant "Aha!" moment I do not mean to shed negative light on anything prior to this.  I think the book just crystallized so many of the ideas and images I had floating around in my mind.  It showed me how much fear I had operated in, mostly that God would be angry with me and not let me "in".  Maybe I was just ripe for detox from that mentality and that's why it had such an impact.

 

I just love God's truth because it makes me feel so loved and settled and at home.  Not at home in my sin, but a confidence that I am loved and valuable because He says I am.  It's something I can rest in, instead of constantly feeling threatened that I'll be found unworthy by a jury of my peers.  And it comes down to what I'm spiritually eating and drinking, and how I hungry I am for Him ~ Proverbs 27:7 "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."  I don't want to be so full of false bread that I have no appetite for the Word of God, or so full of myself that I no longer thirst for His Spirit.  Maybe the difference between the woman at the well and the rich young ruler was that in this life, she was much needier of a Savior than he was.