My Grandma Megaw passed away last night in the middle of the night.  And she might think it totally inappropriate for me to talk about it on a blog,  but I don't think I'll be able to say anything at the memorial service because I'll be so overcome with emotion.  My Mom called yesterday and said she had taken a bad turn so I went there yesterday evening to see her.  She was unresponsive, but had her eyes open.  I was able to tell her I love her one more time, and touch her face.  When I did, she would turn her face toward my hand and her eyes would get very heavy like a baby fighting sleep.  When my Mom called this morning I was so happy to have had that last chance to see her.

 

It had been six weeks yesterday that she was admitted into the hospital where she found out she had stomach cancer.  When Aaron and I first visited after the diagnosis, she joked, "well I guess you heard the good news."  I was so confused, I thought she had heard something on the news about Hilary dropping out or something!  Totally rambling, but in the hospital she told me about a nurse she had the night before from New Zealand that referred to her dessert as a "sponge" meaning like a sponge cake.  That's what they called it in Northern Ireland too.  Grandma told me about a time during the war when their groceries were rationed and all the women would do their best to make do.  She said Grandpa Megaw's mother was able to take the ingredients they were rationed and make the best, tallest sponge cake of anyone she knew.  You could hear the admiration in my Grandma's voice as she spoke of it.  My Grandma's life was made up of a lot of good, honest people that did their best with what they had.  After my Mom called this morning Aaron remarked about how her life speaks volumes to the value of doing right by people, working hard, showing your love to people and loving the Lord.  A few months ago I asked her what type of church she attended as a young person.  She said, "all of them."  When I asked what she meant, she said that her and her sister (Aunt Emily) would attend a different church every night of the week if they had something going on.  I didn't know that, and told her I was surprised.  She said, "of course, we were brought up in the gospel!"  It made me laugh. 

 

I have to say how much I admire my Mom and Dad, especially my Mom, for the care they have given my Grandma the last six weeks.  After my Grandma came home, my Mom moved over to Grandma's to take care of her.  In my mind's eye I kept imagining my Grandma as a new mother in her mid-twenties with my Mom as her tiny baby, nurturing this new life.  Every need was taken care of.  Now it's come full circle as my Mom nurtured her mother, taking care of every need as she slipped out of this life.  My Mom often says, "I'd rather see a sermon, than hear one any day."  Both of their lives have impressed my heart in very deep ways.

I'm a bit insecure.  I think it is universal for people to want other people to like them, and at the very least not look on you with disdain.  This desire for people to like me and think I'm acceptable drives a lot of my worries and probably ends up in paralysis more than anything.  A few months ago I was smacked in the head by a scripture in John 12.  It was about some people who secretly believed Jesus' message, but wouldn't admit it. 

 

 

Praise from men is so immediately rewarding, that we get so short-sighted in what to invest ourselves in.  This is totally random, but I remember a story my friend told me about a guy that took waaaaaaaay to much acid, had a mental breakdown and later thought he was a glass of orange juice.  When he would wake up in the morning he would nervously say, "Did I spill?  Did I spill?"  I've felt that way many times.  I'm looking all around thinking, "Did I mess up?  Does anyone know I don't have it all together?  Does everyone think I'm an incapable idiot?"   It's like looking all around for someone to tell me I'm worth something, and that I'm okay.  I hate this about myself.  So in trying to grasp onto something and reconcile this intense need to be valued, important and right, yet knowing I can't get it from ANYTHING I do, perform, produce, etc.  I'm comforted and inspired by Isaiah 66:1-2

 

 

I'm in no way pretending that I think the Lord esteems me at this point.  But it is nice to know that the Lord did not create this need in me, then leave me hanging with no way to ever satisfy it.  He is the beginning and end of every longing in our hearts.  He is "Yes and Amen" and the fulfillment of every promise.