Every week I listen to Rob Bell's sermon from his church, Mars Hill.  The link is http://www.marshill.org/teaching/index.php  They keep the last 12 weeks out there to download.  The one dated March 9, 2008 called "I Do Not Know" is really incredible.  I've listened to it twice, and the thing that stuck with me the most is what he says about maturity.  He talks about having deep convictions and beliefs, and yet your thoughts and feelings may be totally out of whack with your convictions and beliefs.  He points out that our convictions/beliefs are strong, sound things that are lofty and sure, but our thoughts/feelings are so unstable and wobbly.  He said that the distance between your convictions/beliefs and thoughts/feelings is indicative of your maturity level, and as we mature we are closing the gap between the two.  He compared it to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and how He knew what was needed, but yet He was so troubled by it and asked for it to pass Him.  But ultimately He allowed His convictions/beliefs to determine His actions, not His despair.  The image of my thoughts/feelings maturing so that they always line up with my convictions/beliefs is beautiful, and my hope. 

 

He also talks about how to challenge your feelings with truth.  He says to "doubt your doubts."  I kind of experienced this when the twins were born  This may sound funny, or disturbing , but when they were born I was so overwhelmed with fear and feeling like I was so incapable to mother three children ages 2 1/2 and younger.  I remember telling myself, "Okay, what are you going to do?  Put them up for adoption?"  The absurdity of that notion helped me quit my whining and step up to what I needed to do.  It also reminds me of Paula Dean (I'm tired) when she talked about her fear of leaving her home, she finally got over it when she told herself, "Yeah, you might die.  So what?"  Once she came to terms with that she was able to get out.  Anyways, I just keep coming back to this sermon and wanted to share it because he illustrated maturity so well, the goal of being transformed into the image of Christ.  

I went to bed last night about 10:30 and I could tell I was getting sick.  I had a raw, burning throat and stuffy nose.  Well, about 2:15 Lydia wakes me from a dead sleep to see if she can sleep on my floor.  This requires mom to wake up JUST TO LAY THE BLANKET ON HER!  Okay, have to go to the bathroom now.  I lay down again and fall back asleep.  Next thing I know Emily is in my doorway, "Mommy???"  I get up to find that she has climbed out of her bed and turned on her bedroom light, the family room light and the entry light.  The clock says 2:45.  I got her situated and went back to bed.  I had just drifted off to sleep and I hear, "Mommy, I'm wet!"  So I have to get up again and change her diaper and PJs.  She is still wide awake.  Then I get back to sleep for maybe and hour and I get elbowed by Aaron saying he hasn't gotten any sleep because of me snoring.  Seems hard to imagine because I HAVEN'T BEEN IN BED!!!  But alas, he thinks I've been having Club Med Sleep while he's been suffering my snoring.  All this time my throat is killing me and I feel the pressure in my sinuses.  I got in Lydia's bed and finally fell asleep about 4:30.  Then  Elijah wakes up, probably about 6:30.  Aaron got him up, but he found me in Lydia's bed and wanted to climb up.  He snuggles in and puts his icy cold feet on my legs to warm up.  So I am not feeling so well this morning.  I have no energy today and I didn't even finish yesterday's To Do List.    
 

Sunday morning one of my devotionals had this scripture in it

 

 

The thought of being humbled is one that I certainly chafe at.  No one likes it.  And it can make God sound like an ogre or taskmaster that wants to prove He's bigger and badder than you.  But I instantly thought of this scripture

 

 

I felt the Lord whisper, "I want to be with you."  If it requires a poor spirit to enter the kingdom of heaven, and the Lord wants to be with us, then it would require humbling to get from point A to point B, right?  Probably a simplistic analysis, but it actually excited me that the Lord wants me in His presence and has designed such beautiful methods to draw me there.  Although they don't feel beautiful when you're going through it.  When we were singing "Cause me to come to Thy river oh Lord, Cause me to drink from Thy river oh Lord, Cause me to live by Thy river oh Lord ..." I was thinking that the times I have drank most deeply from His river are times of trial.  The "cause" is often loss, confusion, despair, betrayal, etc.  When you can hardly see to put one foot in front of the other is when you rely on Him the most.  But it can be pain with a purpose if it draws me closer to Him.  And of course this is a choice that we make as a Christian, because heartache comes to every human being.  If we chose to, each dark place can bring us closer to His will for our lives. 

 

I was also thinking of a line in "It's My Desire" that says, "This simple life I have laid upon Your alter, to be purified by Your holy fire."  The first time I heard that I had the epiphany that the fire has a purpose, to purify me.  I had viewed the fire up to that point as something I just had to tunnel through until the "happy" days returned.  But realizing that the Lord is drawing me to Him in my troubles helps me realize their true value.

 

Ramblings from a stressed-out mother of 3 who is counting her blessings. 

Lydia lost her first tooth last night!  Chelsea pulled it out for her.  It made me so sad.  My little baby isn't a baby anymore.  If I could relive the last 5 years I'd do it in a heartbeat (less the fall down the stairs!).  Everyone always says it goes by so fast, and it is so true.  Last night she was eating strawberries with whipped cream and she said, "there must be whups in this, because it IS whupped cream you know."  So funny.  She is doing very well in reading and math.  We've been doing Abeka's K-5 program in addition to her Mother's Day Out just as a trial run with homeschool.  It's amazing that she can read just from the time we've worked together.  She is great at math too.  I'll try to explain something to her, and she interrupts me and says, "I've got it Mom," then she works the problems all on her own and they are all correct!  Well, enough on my girl, I just am so proud of her!