I've had some thoughts that just keep coming to the front of my mind, so I figured I need to set them down in writing.  I don't know if I've just been too influenced by the "inner child" mentality that's pervasive in our culture, or if I'm just a numbers freak, or hyper sensitive to coincidences right now because of LOST, but a few months ago when I was reading Luke 8 about the woman with an issue of blood and Jarius' dead daughter, I noticed that the woman had been bleeding for 12 years and Jarius' daughter was 12 years old.  This detail is also given in Mark 5.  And both sections are titled "A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman".  The two stories are intertwined in that Jesus was already on His way to the girl's house when the woman stretched out her hand and received healing.  My Bible does a character sketch on the woman that paints the picture of her uncleanness because of the blood.  How that everything she touched, sat on, wore, etc. was unclean 24/7 because of her condition.  And that when she touched Jesus, maybe she drew back in fear because she had defiled Him when He was on an urgent mission to heal a little girl.  But her belief and faith healed her, and that is what Jesus asked of the girl's parents when He healed her - only believe. 

 

I just keep thinking of all the pain and abuse that has been perpetuated on young girls.  Boys too of course, but I think there's something especially vulnerable in a girl and how she relates to others - either she blossoms, or just copes through life, or she destroys herself and those around her.  Last night Lydia was scared by the storm and she crawled up in bed with Aaron and me.  As I watched her snuggle down into Aaron's arms while he watched the weather report on the news, I thought of what a blessed little girl she is, and how the absence of a father and his strength must be so devastating to a young girl.  I don't think the woman/girl connection is supposed to be literal like the woman suffered something when she was 12, so she had this physical problem for 12 years, but I feel there is a connection between the blow the girl has received, and the sick state of the woman as an adult.  I think the Lord wants me to see that although horrible circumstances in a child's life can leave her feeling dead inside, one touch of His garment can make her whole.  That woman must have been physically anemic, financially spent and emotionally void of any hopes for a normal life in her culture.  The life was being drained out of her in more ways than one.  She was probably so desperate she risked defiling Him because she was dying as much as that little girl.  She wasn't looking to any resources of her own, just faith in Jesus. 

 

When Jesus gets to the little girl's house He says, "She is not dead but asleep."  This always makes me think of Neal's lyrics in "I Am Willing"

 

I am willing, and I am broken

All I want is the life you have spoken

Let the sleeper, let the sleeper be awoken now

 

If something is dead inside, it isn't too late.  Even though the mourners laugh when Jesus says she's still alive, He knows that willingness and having the faith to press in and touch the hem of His garment brings a whole, abundant life where there once was sickness and death.  I just love the beauty in what God does for us and what it means to be His child.  Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because that line "All I want is the life you have spoken" still seems to be my prayer.  I'm still yearning for more life, for the abundant life that Jesus promised.  But I'm not discouraged because, like I read on Sarah's blog today, it's a journey that is always bringing me closer to that promise.

The life you chose -
There's never a list for it
Of cons and pros
You find what you love, and you commit

 

All that you're working for
Could blind you to the treasures all around you
So don't miss these moments, please
The joy before the crown you seek

 

These are partial lyrics to a song Aaron introduced me to a while back.  I posted a link to it on Facebook, but it's been removed by the artist I think.  Anyway, this song has struck such a cord with me because I need to hear it so much.  I am so bad about getting worried about the future and frustrated with the present.  But I think that first verse is awesome in explaining how we really tick.  Even though I might think I am such an analyzer and planner by nature, I don't really make choices only on a cognitive level.  If I only used my brain to make choices my life would be different.  I wouldn't stay up too late to watch LOST for one, because I would KNOW how tired it makes me.   

 

But that last line explains a lot.  When you are in love, you don't have to be convinced if something makes sense on an intellectual level, you are motivated to give your all because of love.  Your list may weigh one direction, a direction that seems most prudent, but if your heart isn't in it, you'll never really excel at it.  And on the flip side, something might not make any sense at all, but amazing things happen when you give it your all.  It makes me think of something my mom has said, "people only do what they really want to do."  There's another song I listen to often that has a line, "My delight is to do Your will."  That always catches my attention because I wonder if that is really true.  Do I really delight in His will?  Am I excited and happy when I get to submit my will to His?  Not always.  Maybe not even often.  But I know that it is a reality in some areas of my life.  I can't approach God's will from a checklist of it's benefits or costs to me - ewwww, just writing that is painful.  But instead I know the only way I'll commit to His will is finding what I love about Him - His trustworthiness, His love to me, His transforming power, His ability to multiply my efforts, His promises for my good, the way He brings restoration, etc., then I'll run after His will "like the deer panteth for the water." 

 

I read something this morning that excited me so much.  Again, I love the books and music Aaron shares with me.  This one is from "Uprising" by Erwin McManus.  He says, "Transformation is both the miracle of God and the stewardship of man.  Godliness is a result of divine activity and human action.  God promises to do what we cannot do for ourselves and commands us to do that which He will not do for us."  I know there is no way to earn my salvation.  However, I refuse to believe that my relationship with the Lord, where the ultimate promise is to be with Him, is reduced to my mental assent to some idea.  If our covenant with each other was just some affirmation to a creed that I was predestined to ascribe to, the only difference between me and a dog would BE my cognitive ability.  But I am not an animal (he he he, Quasimodo?)  I am not a puppet that He compels to live for Him.  Instead I am someone to whom He says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jer 31:3  It can kind of take your breath away. 

I've been thinking of writing for over a week now, and just haven't taken the time.  I can't believe it's already February.  I'm kinda glad though, I don't like January.  My first job out of college was at an accounting firm in Springfield that I HATED with a passion, and I started it in January.  By May I was out of there, but every January I would start feeling a little anxiety about that place, like I was going to be forced to go back.  I think I even had a few dreams like that.  Then three years ago when the twins were six months old I had a major relapse into my postpartum depression in January.  It was very painful.  But Praise God this year has been different.  I told Aaron the other night that I still can get down about things, especially when I read and focus on unedifying things (duh), but it is different from when the darkness rose up from inside.  I'm sure that sounds dramatic, but it's hard to describe depression.  It was something that just consumed my mind.  No matter what, I felt this despair that was so deep it felt like it was in my bones.  I never thought I would be free of it, I never thought I would feel "normal" again.  Again, Praise God it is so different now.  I really thought life free of these feelings was over, but it has lifted.  Like I said, I still get upset and down about circumstances around me, but the difference is it isn't emanating from inside anymore.  The last month or so I've felt more peace and joy in my heart than any other time in my life.

 

Well, not exactly the thoughts I started out to share.    I know I wrote awhile back about a sermon called "Shine Like Stars" by Rob Bell.  Last year Heather told me her mom prays at the beginning of each year for a theme to meditate on for the entire year, so I did that too.  By the end of January 2007 I knew what it was - being made whole.  I was impressed how fragmented my life seemed, and I needed to integrate all the pieces and weave the Lord into each part.  This year I believe the theme is to shine.  I'm not saying I do this, but it is my aim.  The scripture from the above sermon is Philippians 2:14-16

 

 

This has had such an impact on me.  And the church near our house has a marquee that has said "Shine in 09" since New Years.    But the thing I keep mulling over in my mind is an experience from when I was 16.  I can't remember, but I may have blogged this before.  I had a wonderful surrender experience when I was 16 and started a season of searching the scriptures and LOVING Bible study on Sunday mornings, especially types and shadows.   One Sunday morning someone got up and was droning on and on about things that were totally irrelevant to my life at 16.  I was getting so bored and frustrated because I wanted to hear a good Bible study, very spiritual of me LOL!  Just as I was thinking, "please sit down!"  I looked over at our stained-glass windows on the side of the platform.  They were not very bright or ornate, but at that moment sunlight came streaming through them.  I felt convicted that this person that was up was just as valuable as the next one, even if I didn't particularly like his "color" in the window.  I thought about how it is the same sunlight streaming through each pane of glass, and lighting up individual colors, and that I should be focusing on the light shining through and not just the vessel.  And about how much I lose when I don't appreciate some one's differences.  How boring would it be if they were all purple?  I keep thinking of this especially now as Bro. Steve has been talking about our place in culture.  How limiting it is to think the Holy Spirit can't operate in all cultures.  Or that how God shows Himself will look exactly the same in each culture.  But instead that culture, as long as it doesn't directly violate scripture, can't inhibit the light from shining.  I think we've elevated the color of the stained glass to holiness instead of the light shining through it.  I appreciate so much how the Lord is correcting that in us.  It's actually pretty amazing to watch.  I want all the light I can get, and I want to shine as much as possible.  I want to show the glory of God to people that think the darkness is all there is.  How?  God knows I'm stumbling along that path still and in no way feel I've arrived.  But I love this journey.