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December 22 SongIt’s my desire
To serve your kingdom Lord
To take the open door and live for You
It’s my desire
To be your feet and hands
To offer all I am for all that You can do
This simple life I have laid upon your alter
To be purified by your holy fire
Take all I am and use it for your glory oh God
All I want is to be what You require
These are the words to the song the young kids sang on Sunday. I had never heard it before, and it touched me so deeply. I just wept during the whole song. The line about taking the open door reminded me so strongly of part of my testimony. And I was convicted by the fact that His holy fire is applied to purify me, not make me resentful and bitter. I appreciated the song so much. I'll put part of my testimony here: One Sunday afternoon Bro. Steve had us get on our knees and cry out to the Lord. I don’t remember what motivated this, but I do remember some of the scriptures he had been focusing on at that time. One that really impacted me was Rev. 3:7 “And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth.” Bro. Steve was emphasizing that when Christ opens a door, it is OPEN. Also, that Christ is the one with the power to open the door to my salvation. When we kneeled to pray, the entire church was crying out and seeking the Lord. I had a vision of myself in a very dark and slimy dungeon. I was chained to the ground just moaning and miserable. Then I felt a light from somewhere above and to the side of me enter the dungeon. I saw the Lord standing in a doorway. Not sure why, but I could not see His face. I only saw His form. I felt hope. But He just stood in the doorway. I cried out to Him, “What are you doing? I am your child! Come in here and get me out. Can’t you see I’m in these chains? I am your child!” But He did not make a move. Then I felt Him tell me to get up and walk. He told me there was a Way and a path that led out of that prison I was in, and I had to walk it. He told me that He was that path and if I would follow the path, I would not, and could not, continue to stay in the bondage and filth of that dungeon.
December 07 Still out hereWell, it has been so hard to get around to blog. We're busy with Christmas, and just life in general. I tried to write something earlier this week, and it just did not flow at all so I deleted it. The babies are doing well, but have constant runny noses. Lydia is as cheeky as ever. Elijah was pulling Emily's hair, and Lydia told me that Emily must be allergic to Elijah pulling her hair because it made her face turn all red!
A week ago Saturday night I was laying in bed trying to examine why I don't obey the Lord more completely. I was trying to appeal to myself to "do" better. Yes, I'm weird. I was thinking of my children, and how of course I want the best life for them and the best environment for them to grow up in and how I want to be the most equipped mother for them. I started to feel like I was writing a commercial for a product. "Come serve God and have a happy marriage, healthy kids and a spotless kitchen!" LOL Then I was thinking of something I heard about Kurt Cobain's suicide. He said that after his daughter was born he thought he would be able to quit doing drugs because of the love he had for her and wanting her to have a better life. When this proved untrue for him, he felt so hopeless, and he felt that if his love for her could not help him quit drugs, nothing could. I don't know if this is true, but that story has always stuck with me. Our kids are a huge motivator to grow as human beings and children of God, but they aren't even the end-all to transformation.
So I thought, okay if all the promises and blessings of God aren't enough to change me, what is? Then I asked myself what is the one thing in my life that I could absolutely NOT live without? What if like Job I lost it all? What if my kids turn into heathens, we lose our house, something happens to Aaron, etc. Pain and fear sound like good motivators, but are they really God's way? And it came to me, His Presence. No matter what may happen to me, if I have His Presence it would be bearable. Not something I would ever choose, but bearable. I thought of being so depressed after breaking my ankle and everything I went through and how the Lord came in and went through the trial with me. THAT is the one thing I don't want to live without.
The next morning before church I was reading in Psalms 51 and I was struck with David's words, "Cast me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord; take not Thy Holy Spirit from me." Then in church we sang about His sheep knowing His voice, and following him. I started reading that book "God Chasers" because it is about seeking hard after His presence. So far it is pretty powerful in experiences that people have had in the Spirit. And I don't mean this wrong, but I want more than that. I want His presence every moment, not just when I am lost in the Spirit. My kids still need someone to make breakfast. I don't want it to be an either or situation. Either I'm totally lost in the Spirit, or I'm dealing with natural things. Is it possible? Is it possible to have His presence while changing diapers and making dinner? I think it is. While I was praying that Sunday in church, I felt the Lord ask me, "Where do you think you'll find me? What do you think I would be doing if I were there?" Serving! That is the way He lived while here. So in that Spirit of service, I will probably find Him here now. Then the following Wednesday night I felt my heart leap when Bro. Curt was talking about the purpose for the tabernacle and the temple was for a place for God to dwell among the people. And we are now the temple of the Lord, so He makes His dwelling in us.
I know this is all over the place, but then this Sunday while praying and worshipping in the service, I felt the Lord tell me that in my mind I really have reduced Him to a product to be bought. "Okay Lord, I spent this amount of time reading my Bible, so that entitles me to this about of joy/peace ect." When what He really is offering me is a relationship to be experienced. Press into the love relationship because I love Him, not because of what I want to get out of it. But because I want to KNOW Him. The book "God Chasers" makes this point by mentioning the difference between seeking His face and seeking His hand. It also says that only dead men can see the face of God. God told Moses that he couldn't see His face because he would die. And with us, we won't truely see His face unless we die to ourselves through true repentence. Well, this has been quite rambling, but these are the things that have gone around in my mind lately. Hope everyone has a blessed day. |
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